Sunday, April 27, 2008

That was pleasant

Just think of this as an add on to my last post. Ryan has still been waking up about twice a night, better than earlier in the week, but still not how it used to be. Remember the good 'ol days? I do. But, things have changed a bit. I now hang out upstairs to wait for the inevitable crying to start, 5-10 min after we put him down. I stand outside the door and say "lay down and good to sleep." For some reason, it works. I know I shouldn't do it and I should ignore the crying, but his poor voice is so hoarse so I figure why make it worse with letting him cry for up to an hour when I know that will work. It is flawed logic, but at least I KNOW it. Then, if he happens to wake up in the middle of the night I say the same thing--from my bed. I no longer even have to get up. Talk about thin walls. When we moved into this house we put him in the room next to ours. Big mistake. The floor creaks, the door squeaks...there were two perfectly good bedrooms across the hall but I wanted him close...close enough to his hear his crying apparently.

So, there has been a bit of progress in the amount of times he wakes up during the night. Then last night I had a MOM NIGHT OUT. Ethan put him to bed, and let me know that there was no crying right after putting him to bed. I got home at 11:00 and I ofcourse had to wake Ethan up and grill him about any wake-ups that already happened. I needed to be prepared. It was already past my bedtime, I had 2 cosmos (can you believe a pub/bar/restaurant didn't have the "stuff" to make mojitos?) and I wanted to know what kind of a night I was in store for. I'm nothing if not prepared to worry. He said he hadn't cried at all. Then I start to wonder if all these issues are because I'm there when its bedtime, or because sometimes its only me, and daddy is BETTER than me. That kinda hurt and I couldn't fall asleep, and that might have to do with the fact it was 82 in the house and someone hadn't turned on the AC. I am all about turning it on to cool the house down to a reasonable level for sleep purposes. Then around 2:00 Ryan woke up and I said "lay down and go to sleep" from my bed...didn't hear a thing til 6:00.

Tonight I decided I wanted him in bed at 7:30. Because bath/pjs/books seem to have gotten longer lately (as in I think he realized he can manipulate time) I started the bath at 6:45 to a resounding wail. "No mommy no nite nite." He was flailing all around the hallway, face all red. Ethan managed to get him in the bath and Ryan was trying to climb out. This was so out of character for him and I worried he might be not feeling well, but realized he had been fine up to the bath being turned on. So, I was either dealing with an over tired child or he was just being 2.5 and wanted to continue the fun he was having running around upstairs. My anxiety was starting to rise and Ethan just told me to leave the room because he feels we feed off eachother. So, Ethan sat there calmly (I hate he has that ability, but I'm grateful also) and read a magazine while Ryan screamed. At 7:00 we decided he was done and it was time to get out. He stopped crying to brush his teeth, but was very pouty. Then when it was time to read books he was his normal self.

He was in his crib at 7:20--yipee. But sadly, its 7:38 and I have already told him to lay down and go to sleep twice. He took an hour and a half nap today, had fun with is aunt and grandparents. I'm not sure why the melt down started, but I feel like having a meltdown myself. I feel like we are going backwards in this vicious sleep war that we started 4 days after his first birthday. We had come such a long way and sure we had some bumps along the way but this feels like a crater. I hate that I let it get to me the way it does but being exhausted all the time is mentally draining. You can't be yourself. I want to stop complaining about it but if I suck it all in then I will burst sooner or later. I have never been able to say I've loved every single second of being a parent, but I've met some people that have and it made me feel bad about myself. Like when you go to playgroup and the other mom's did their hair and are wearing makeup and they talk about how they make all their own organic babyfood, and breastfeed for 100 yrs and how their kids slept through the night the first night they brought them home from the hospital--and I'm the one that looks like a slob and brought Ryan in his pjs because we were having one of those days.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Not in my bed

Am I a bad person because I don't want Ryan sleeping in our bed? Cuz, I don't feel like I am, but it seems everyone else thinks I am and that annoys me. We are going through a really rough time over here on the sleep front, and I am tired of people telling me to just let him sleep with us. First, I don't get any sleep when he is there--neither does Ethan. And Ryan's sleep is not good quality sleep. There is no room. More importantly, what are we teaching him?

After paying a lot of money for a sleep consultant who was AWESOME, we had one year of fantastic sleep. Now, we had a terrible year before that...terrible. I cannot even describe it, other than to say he was up every 2 hrs (give or take) for an entire year. I expected that in the beginning, but around the 6m mark I started to think we had a problem. But again, I got no support. I got the "this is what you signed up for when you became a mom." I didn't. Even the doctor just laughed at me when I asked about sleep. He's lucky I didn't punch him because I was seriously dazed and confused at that point, floating through life in survival mode. That is the best way I can describe my first year as a mom--survival. Happy times were clouded by my utter exhaustion. My marriage suffered, it just wasn't good.

Then we meet Davis and she helped us tremendously. In 3 days Ryan was sleeping 6-5. It was brilliant. We had a great year and then he turned 2. I'm not sure what happened, but apparently I jinxed it because I sent Davis an e-mail to tell her how great he was doing. Then the next week he decided he was going to quit napping, and that lasted a month. That was a long month for this mommy. Then the night wake ups started again, then he would get sick and I let him sleep with us if he woke up, then it was a vicious cycle of getting him out of that habit. Then he had the fever of 104 so he was back in bed with me, and for the first time actually started out in our bed because I was too nervous about the fever going higher and him having a seizure.

And here we are today, at the end of another cold and its been 4 nights of screaming. What happened to my little boy who went to bed and stayed asleep without a fuss? The boy who woke up happy and talking....where is he? Because this one that screams every few hrs cannot be my boy. He wouldn't do this to me AGAIN would he? How can I possibly have a rational discussion about having a second child when my first one is keeping me up for hours? I'm starting to think he is just too smart for us and we should send him off to college now. He has worked the blanket angle, screaming for his blanket. Ofcourse I go in there thinking its an easy fix. The blankets are fine, then he says "blanket in mommy's room with Ryan." Uh...are you kidding? Last night it was "see daddy." I can tell you daddy didn't want to see him and is investing in some ear plugs. I ofcourse cannot, because something compells me to listen to the screaming. I am scared he might say something I need to hear. What if he is saying his tummy hurts? What if his ear hurts? So, I lay there and listen. Sometimes it can go on and off for an hour. It is gut wrenching. But the only other solution everyone tells me...let him sleep with you.

But honestly, how long can that go on? Do I want an 6 yr old in my bed...NO--especially because I have a rather large child and Ethan is no shorty. I just don't believe it stops happening on its own. At some point a decision is made that the child needs to stay in their own room, and I'm sure its not pretty even if they are older. So, I tend to think, let's just not start it. But the other question is, how long can I take the crying?

And for all of you who let your kids sleep with you, that is fine. If it works and you get some sleep, great. But don't tell me to do it cuz I just can't. We fought hard for our sleep, paid a lot of $ for it, and I'm not willing to let it go. I have become attached to sleep. It's my friend. Without it I am cranky and I know it. I'm sure it shows...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hello mother nature, I'd like to have a chat...

And the chat would go something like, "WTF?"

I know, very classy. I cannot handle this weird weather. Is it spring/summer or still winter? Make up your freakin mind. Last Friday it was in the mid-60s, as usual. I turned the heater on in the morning (we don't use it overnight because it is very NOISY) to get the chill out and it stayed off the rest of the day. The news had said possibly high 70s or low 80s. I don't have an exact temp but it was HOT. We went to tour some foreclosed homes and we took the convertible and I got sunburned. The houses did not have the AC on--probably since there was no power or water so we went from being hot int he car to hot in the houses. Then Sunday..oh my. It was 92 freakin degrees. I almost had to bust out some shorts but I forgot to shave my legs so capris had to do. Then Monday...65. Yep, we had a 30 degree change in one day and it was so windy our trampoline blew over. That is just not acceptable so if you know Mother Nature please ask her to do something about it. I have no idea how to dress myself in this kind of situation.

Then Ryan woke up with a runny nose on Monday, and if you were here you would notice that by the snot all up and down his sleeves (on both arms.) Yuck. Yesterday he had a low fever and today seems fine, though Ethan said he felt sick and I am congested. I'm pretty sure we all had colds in January so I thought we were good for a few more months.

Bargains: I just love a $1.74 shirt. I went to Target on Monday for a new night light for Ryan and came out spending $65. It just happens people. But when they have shirts for $1.74 and 3 piece pajama sets for $8 I gotta get them. Oh, and the $6 clearance purse that is too cute for words. I'll take a pic soon and post because I got some cute sandals that I am in love with--but they are from another store and whole other shopping situation. I also got a really cute hoodie at Target for $10 because obviously with this kind of weather, another hoodie is necessary.

And...I hung up my clothes. That is HUGE over here. If Ethan hadn't already bought me diamond earrings for Christmas he would have yesterday when he saw my dresser. Big Mama (another blog I read that I stole off of someone else's blog) did a Fashion Fiesta last Friday and had people show their closets/favorite clothes. I ofcourse could not participate because I only had about 5 things hung in the closet. I prefer to have a large heap on top of my dresser. IT WORKS FOR ME. Ok, not really. But my clothes never get put away. Ryan's get put away. Ethan hangs his own shirts, but for some odd reason, will not hang pants and he lays them on his dresser. But I spent some time hanging clothes yesterday and now you can see the top of my dresser. Too bad there is a load in the dryer now...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Wicked awesome

Ok. Half wicked awesome. Ryan (finally) had two nights in a role where he slept the whole morning he slept til 6:30. Woo hoo. But then, we had another night of screaming. At least it was only 10 min this time--that is why we are only half wicked awesome. Though, I am not sure I am allowed to say 'wicked' since I am from CA. My only claim to 'wicked' is that I was in love with New Kids On The Block (NKOTB to y'all that were fans) and they said it. And BTW, they are getting back together. I don't know if I should be excited or terrified...maybe both.

I have also realized I need to give props to the husband. Thanks to all your comments, I realized how nice it is that he takes Ryan on outings. Mostly these outings are things like the grocery store or Walmart, but it sounded like some of the other dads out there don't do that so....PROPS TO ETHAN. When Ryan was younger he would also tell me go out and take some time alone. The only problem was that we had 0$ and other than shop, I couldn't think of anything to do. Now ofcourse I'm kicking myself that I didn't drive 6 miles to the beach and read and relax. Oh well. Finally after being told to take time to myself but not spend money, I told him to get out of the house--with the kid. Their first trip was to Henrys, the first week it opened. Liz will know when that was, LOL. I was mortified because Ethan wouldn't use the cart cover. Then he told me the carts were brand new and couldn't possibly be that dirty. Since then he has told me he felt...uh...weird...pushing a cart with it on. The same way he feels about the stroller. I do not think he has ever pushed the stroller more than 4ft. Then I think they went to the park. I ofcourse was a nervous wreck the entire time they were gone and I think I just sat on the couch and listened to the quiet of my house.

Ethan really is a great dad and shows me up on many occasions. When Ryan was about 6 weeks old I needed to do some Christmas shopping and left him with Ethan. At this point Ryan was totally formula fed (please do not judge me cuz the guilt remains) so it should have been easy for me to leave for a few hours, but I was so worried. I kept calling him. For some reason I thought he would forget to feed Ryan. At the same time it was exhilerating to get out of the house on my own and realize I was still a person. I think I came home to a clean kitchen that night. I don't know how he did it. I was able to get ZERO done during the day. I had a baby that would only nap if he was held. I started to unload the dishwasher or put laundry in and never finished. And he made it all seem like a piece of cake which pissed me off. On another occasion I came home Ethan vacuuming, which was unheard of when Ryan was little because he hated the noise. Apparently if you held him while you vacuumed it was fine. Even now I will come home and they will have washed two cars while I was gone...something I would not attempt with a 2.5 yr old. I guess Ethan just doesn't let the fact that he has a 2.5 yr old get in the way of what he wants to get done...he includes him and makes it work, to where I will usually say I'll do it when he naps or after he goes to bed...AND THEN IT NEVER GETS DONE CUZ I'M TIRED. OR I HAVE TO BLOG. I gots important things to do! If I ever have another child that is something I'll need to work on because I won't have the luxury of saying I just couldn't get to it. A toddler will not allow that, and besides, they occasionally want to eat.

What else? Oh yeah, I saw MC Hammer! He was pulling into the Baja Fresh parking lot as we were leaving the Coldstone. I saw him and told Ethan but he was looking the wrong way and I didn't want to point because it would be obvious but ofcourse I pointed because ETHAN WAS NOT LOOKING THE RIGHT WAY and McHammer totally saw me. I looked like a moron. Too bad I didn't lean out the window and scream "there he is there he is." Supposedly he goes to my gym but I haven't seen him yet--i'm sure it has nothing to do w/ the fact that I went to the gym for the first time yesterday in about 1 month.

Um...Wii bowling is not the same as regular bowling. I hate to admit it cuz I was talking trash. But I bowled an 81 and 89 in REAL bowling with several gutter balls. Well, entire gutter frames. When I Wii bowl its 178. The discrepancy is just amazing isn't it? We went with some friends on Saturday and the guys teamed up. They even gave us girls 100 pts. How sad is it that we couldn't win with 100 extra points. We lost by 3. Basically if I could have just guttered one less we could have won. Then we wouldn't have had to pay for crepes....YUM. An entire restaurant of crepes. Can you imagine? And Ethan had nutella for the first time and is hooked. I had a cinnamon apple wonder I am a gigantic whale. I really like food. What I really like are our friends. We met them in college and they are such great people. They have been struggling w/ infertility for a few years and it sounds like they are starting the adoption process so should have a baby in the next 2 yrs. I am so thrilled for them. Its funny how you never know what is going to happen. I sat next to this guy at college orientation, we had lunch together and hung out for the day (we both shared we had significant others--don't get any ideas). He said he lived in Davis and I said my boyfriend was going to move to Davis in the next year. He mentioned his girlfriend was also going to go to our college...then we found out we were both English majors. Then we had some classes together and became friends and when it was time for Ethan to move to Davis he moved in with him. We have been friends since then all because we sat next to eachother at 1995. Ethan was in his wedding, he was in ours, I helped plan/organize their wedding and reception. They are just good people and I heart them.

Ok. I need to think of something for us to do when Ryan wakes up from his nap. It is soooo windy here so the park is out of the question.