Thursday, April 24, 2008

Not in my bed

Am I a bad person because I don't want Ryan sleeping in our bed? Cuz, I don't feel like I am, but it seems everyone else thinks I am and that annoys me. We are going through a really rough time over here on the sleep front, and I am tired of people telling me to just let him sleep with us. First, I don't get any sleep when he is there--neither does Ethan. And Ryan's sleep is not good quality sleep. There is no room. More importantly, what are we teaching him?

After paying a lot of money for a sleep consultant who was AWESOME, we had one year of fantastic sleep. Now, we had a terrible year before that...terrible. I cannot even describe it, other than to say he was up every 2 hrs (give or take) for an entire year. I expected that in the beginning, but around the 6m mark I started to think we had a problem. But again, I got no support. I got the "this is what you signed up for when you became a mom." I didn't. Even the doctor just laughed at me when I asked about sleep. He's lucky I didn't punch him because I was seriously dazed and confused at that point, floating through life in survival mode. That is the best way I can describe my first year as a mom--survival. Happy times were clouded by my utter exhaustion. My marriage suffered, it just wasn't good.

Then we meet Davis and she helped us tremendously. In 3 days Ryan was sleeping 6-5. It was brilliant. We had a great year and then he turned 2. I'm not sure what happened, but apparently I jinxed it because I sent Davis an e-mail to tell her how great he was doing. Then the next week he decided he was going to quit napping, and that lasted a month. That was a long month for this mommy. Then the night wake ups started again, then he would get sick and I let him sleep with us if he woke up, then it was a vicious cycle of getting him out of that habit. Then he had the fever of 104 so he was back in bed with me, and for the first time actually started out in our bed because I was too nervous about the fever going higher and him having a seizure.

And here we are today, at the end of another cold and its been 4 nights of screaming. What happened to my little boy who went to bed and stayed asleep without a fuss? The boy who woke up happy and talking....where is he? Because this one that screams every few hrs cannot be my boy. He wouldn't do this to me AGAIN would he? How can I possibly have a rational discussion about having a second child when my first one is keeping me up for hours? I'm starting to think he is just too smart for us and we should send him off to college now. He has worked the blanket angle, screaming for his blanket. Ofcourse I go in there thinking its an easy fix. The blankets are fine, then he says "blanket in mommy's room with Ryan." Uh...are you kidding? Last night it was "see daddy." I can tell you daddy didn't want to see him and is investing in some ear plugs. I ofcourse cannot, because something compells me to listen to the screaming. I am scared he might say something I need to hear. What if he is saying his tummy hurts? What if his ear hurts? So, I lay there and listen. Sometimes it can go on and off for an hour. It is gut wrenching. But the only other solution everyone tells me...let him sleep with you.

But honestly, how long can that go on? Do I want an 6 yr old in my bed...NO--especially because I have a rather large child and Ethan is no shorty. I just don't believe it stops happening on its own. At some point a decision is made that the child needs to stay in their own room, and I'm sure its not pretty even if they are older. So, I tend to think, let's just not start it. But the other question is, how long can I take the crying?

And for all of you who let your kids sleep with you, that is fine. If it works and you get some sleep, great. But don't tell me to do it cuz I just can't. We fought hard for our sleep, paid a lot of $ for it, and I'm not willing to let it go. I have become attached to sleep. It's my friend. Without it I am cranky and I know it. I'm sure it shows...


McCoyFamily said...

Stick to your guns Momma I wouldn't let Patrick sleep in our bed either!!! Hope you get some good sleep tonight...

Our Family of Four said...

Brandi Max had the same issues if I let him sleep with us when sick. It took FOREVER to get him back on a routine. As harsh as it sounds make him stay in his own bed even when sick. If you're really uncomfortable sleep on the floor in his room AFTER he falls asleep (or put a twin in there or an air mattress). Right now I don't know what to say except keep waiting him out, you know eventually he'll start sleeping again. Just my 2 cents. I'm so sorry. Keep venting... we'll keep listening!

Oh and e-mail me so I can give you some info on DC for your visit.

Lizzie Fish said...

ugh! i tried to comment here yesterday!

to answer your first question: HECK NO YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!

you could have just written that first sentence, too. i'm sure that whoever is giving you the cra-a-a-zy advice to give in has the best of intentions, but that is NUTS. talk about not being able to have a rational discussion about a second word, the logistics of THAT situation are baffling.

he'll be fine. i think it was funny that he wanted you to fix the blankets in your own room, but OH MY WORD. i'm so sorry you're going through this. stay strong. stay in your own bed. your sanity and peace of mind will be worth it.

sleepy vibes your way =)

Maria said...

We absolutely do NOT co-sleep (except on two trips where we had no choice b/c there was no where to put Andy). Neither of the boys gets to sleep in our bed. Andy is a tornado when he sleeps which means that he is the only one who sleeps. I'm terrified of rolling on Matt (or more accurately, John rolling over) so we don't have babies in the bed.
I believe that having children sleep in their own beds teaches them independence and is just appropriate. I think that, especially when they're sick, that you can cuddle and snuggle and sooth them more effectively in a chair than having them sleep with you. Once they're asleep, they don't know if you're there or not so why have your sleep disturbed!
I say, keep doing what you're doing! I don't think you're wrong at all!