That was pleasant

Just think of this as an add on to my last post. Ryan has still been waking up about twice a night, better than earlier in the week, but still not how it used to be. Remember the good 'ol days? I do. But, things have changed a bit. I now hang out upstairs to wait for the inevitable crying to start, 5-10 min after we put him down. I stand outside the door and say "lay down and good to sleep." For some reason, it works. I know I shouldn't do it and I should ignore the crying, but his poor voice is so hoarse so I figure why make it worse with letting him cry for up to an hour when I know that will work. It is flawed logic, but at least I KNOW it. Then, if he happens to wake up in the middle of the night I say the same thing--from my bed. I no longer even have to get up. Talk about thin walls. When we moved into this house we put him in the room next to ours. Big mistake. The floor creaks, the door squeaks...there were two perfectly good bedrooms across the hall but I wanted him close...close enough to his hear his crying apparently.

So, there has been a bit of progress in the amount of times he wakes up during the night. Then last night I had a MOM NIGHT OUT. Ethan put him to bed, and let me know that there was no crying right after putting him to bed. I got home at 11:00 and I ofcourse had to wake Ethan up and grill him about any wake-ups that already happened. I needed to be prepared. It was already past my bedtime, I had 2 cosmos (can you believe a pub/bar/restaurant didn't have the "stuff" to make mojitos?) and I wanted to know what kind of a night I was in store for. I'm nothing if not prepared to worry. He said he hadn't cried at all. Then I start to wonder if all these issues are because I'm there when its bedtime, or because sometimes its only me, and daddy is BETTER than me. That kinda hurt and I couldn't fall asleep, and that might have to do with the fact it was 82 in the house and someone hadn't turned on the AC. I am all about turning it on to cool the house down to a reasonable level for sleep purposes. Then around 2:00 Ryan woke up and I said "lay down and go to sleep" from my bed...didn't hear a thing til 6:00.

Tonight I decided I wanted him in bed at 7:30. Because bath/pjs/books seem to have gotten longer lately (as in I think he realized he can manipulate time) I started the bath at 6:45 to a resounding wail. "No mommy no nite nite." He was flailing all around the hallway, face all red. Ethan managed to get him in the bath and Ryan was trying to climb out. This was so out of character for him and I worried he might be not feeling well, but realized he had been fine up to the bath being turned on. So, I was either dealing with an over tired child or he was just being 2.5 and wanted to continue the fun he was having running around upstairs. My anxiety was starting to rise and Ethan just told me to leave the room because he feels we feed off eachother. So, Ethan sat there calmly (I hate he has that ability, but I'm grateful also) and read a magazine while Ryan screamed. At 7:00 we decided he was done and it was time to get out. He stopped crying to brush his teeth, but was very pouty. Then when it was time to read books he was his normal self.

He was in his crib at 7:20--yipee. But sadly, its 7:38 and I have already told him to lay down and go to sleep twice. He took an hour and a half nap today, had fun with is aunt and grandparents. I'm not sure why the melt down started, but I feel like having a meltdown myself. I feel like we are going backwards in this vicious sleep war that we started 4 days after his first birthday. We had come such a long way and sure we had some bumps along the way but this feels like a crater. I hate that I let it get to me the way it does but being exhausted all the time is mentally draining. You can't be yourself. I want to stop complaining about it but if I suck it all in then I will burst sooner or later. I have never been able to say I've loved every single second of being a parent, but I've met some people that have and it made me feel bad about myself. Like when you go to playgroup and the other mom's did their hair and are wearing makeup and they talk about how they make all their own organic babyfood, and breastfeed for 100 yrs and how their kids slept through the night the first night they brought them home from the hospital--and I'm the one that looks like a slob and brought Ryan in his pjs because we were having one of those days.