Trying to keep it together

Earlier today we had Ryan day. I felt bad that we have been stuck inside due to the weather, air quality, and just other stuff so I took him to the indoor jumpy place at the mall. I paid $6 for him to jump for 10 min and then tell me he was done. I convinced him to keep playing if I jumped as well. He loved that, my headache didn't. But I survived. He made it to the 30 min mark and I didn't want to argue anymore so off we went to the icky yucky germy play area in the mall. See, I told you it was Ryan day. Luckily this time he wanted to sit/play on the train and fire truck that you pay .$25 to ride. So, we did that for a while, then headed to BK for....french fries. Ofcourse. There was a very long line so we hit the arcade. He got to ride in a few cars. For some reason I have a ton of change, maybe left from DC. Then it was off to the carousel because the BK line was still outrageous. Is it possible that a carousel can make me dizzy? As I get older the vertigo and motion sickness is getting worse. After that we shared some chicken and fries and called it a day. I asked him if he had fun and he said NO. I said "you didn't have fun?" and he said "oh yes i did mommy." Then i started listing all the things we did because daddy always asks him what we did and he told me to stop talking. Apparently he was tired because he fell asleep within 5 min of being in the car, and he is napping now. That is what happens when you wake up every few hrs crying to sleep with your parents and THEY WON'T LET YOU but you insist on being awake at 4:30am only to fall back asleep in your parents bed when you say you are just watching cartoons. I am so hip to this game and its about time.

In other news, the Nikki situation has really been creeping up on me at the least expected times and I find myself crying--don't worry, not in front of Ryan. Don't get me wrong, we are hoping and praying it is not cancer, but the realistic part of me knows that even if we escape this, there will be more things like this ahead due to her age and sensitive stomach issues. Even something that wouldn't be serious could actually be serious because of her inability to process meds. For some reason her GI tract and especially her liver can't handle a lot of things that they should be able to.

But, unrelated things to Nikki have been popping into my head and it seems I've ignored a lot of things in the last few years that I needed to deal with. There is a lot of stuff floating around in my brain that doesn't seem related, but then all of a sudden BAM its there and I can't get it to go away. For example, my brother is in a police academy right now and applied to be a sheriff. The private investigator called today to talk to me. I raved about how super cool my bro is, and the guy asked me a random question about the time my brother spent in the CHP academy (that is another story). I answered him honestly and he asked me if him not being in the CHP had anything to do w/ my grandfather being sick or dieing around that time. It didn't, and I couldn't figure out why he asked me that. I asked my brother after I got off the phone with the PI and he said during the lie detector they asked some family questions and our grandfather came up, but thats all he could think of. As I was driving to the jumpy place I drove by the cemetary, that I drive by almost everyday, and started to tear up. I was thinking about how out of 4 grandparents my brother only got to know 2, and how I knew all 4 and that just wasn't fair. And how he stepped up and spoke at my grandpa's funeral which was very unlike him at the time and how proud I was of him because I couldn't even find any words. I know that when I moved to San Diego my brother got closer with my grandpa, went over to mow his lawn and visited him once he went into the assisted living place. Then I thought about how i've lived here for 1.5 yrs now and I never went back to the cemetary. I haven't been there since the funeral.

I realized that I wasn't able to cope with the fact that he was gone and staying away from the cemetary has helped me do that. My grandather died accidentally at his assisted living place 4 days before I had Ryan. I think of my mom and how hard it was for her to lose her dad but at the same time feel joy in her new grandson. We drove here when Ryan was 6 days old so I could attend the funeral. It was cold and rainy and I remember standing under the tent and I couldn't help thinking " i just had a baby." Nothing made sense to me at the time and I'm not even sure I grieved. And now, thinking of the possiblity of losing Nikki, and driving by the cemetary just really has gotten to me on a level that i didn't think possible.

I know its time to cope with these things I"ve let slip the last few years. I was a new mom, tired, stressed and just anxious about being in charge of another life. I didn't deal with that the best way I could have either. There is a lot of reflecting going on over here and hopefully my next posts will be more upbeat.